September & Beyond...

Where to start? Who knows. I don't honestly know where to start but I suppose I should get the big things out there. The last years have held both the best and worst moments of my life and I have to say that through it all I may have finally figured out that no matter how hard you try you honestly can not control everything in this life! For me, this is a HUGE realization. I have spent more than half my life trying to control everything around me. It took a difficult but much desired pregnancy, the birth of my first child and the unexpected death of my father to make me realize it but I finally have!

Last year started off in the best and worst way - I was pregnant for the first time and although overjoyed I found myself incapable of consuming any foods. I had always thought, "morning sickness", "no, that won't happen to me." Yeah right! Totally wishful thinking. And why, may I ask, do they call it morning sickness when it lasts ALL DAY & ALL NIGHT? Alas, it is all worth it though, isn't it? In June of 2008 we welcomed our first child, Alexa Joy, into the world and she has become the light of my life. Without her I do not know that I could have survived the emotional challenges I faced over the last 7 months.

September has always been my favorite month of the year. I know people probably think I'm crazy, after all Christmas is in December, but for me, my favorite time of year has always been September and the start of fall. It may help that September holds both my own and my husband's birthday. It may also be contributed to the fact that I LOVED school and September always brought that wonderful new school year excitement. Mainly, I have always loved the beauty and awe of the changing colors of the leaves and the beautiful warm, yet not hot, days and cool enjoyable evenings. That all changed this year. September 6th, one day before my husband's 25th birthday I got the worst phone call of my life.

Picture this if you can, my husband and I are sitting on the couch on a wonderful, warm Saturday afternoon. We had gotten Alexa down for a nap shortly after lunch and had sat down to watch TV together. We were watching a version of the 9/11 movie re-telling the horror the people had gone through & we sat there, telling each other how we didn't know if we'd ever be able to survive something like that - how awful it would be to loose someone you love in that way. The phone rang and as it always seemed to be my parents calling on Saturday afternoons, Micah turned to me and said that I had better answer it because it would be for me. I laughed and told him "No, my parents are golfing in a charity event, there's no way they'd be calling me now." He obliged and answered the phone. After a few short, odd sentences he tells the caller that yes I'm right here & he'll put me on. I take the phone and have forever wished I hadn't. Maybe what happened next wouldn't be true, maybe I could forever pretend its not real.

The man on the phone identifies himself as a member of my father's church and he tells me that he's sorry but my father has gone home to glory. The next words out of my mouth blow me away to this day. I honestly asked, "Are you joking?" - Please tell me, who asks this? Who responds this way? Who on earth would actually pull a joke like that? To this day I keep replaying that day, that hour, that conversation over & over in my head. I still am horrified that those words were my response. What does that say about me? I think I'll leave that one unanswered.

The next few days were spent in total absolute denial. My parents have spent the last 5 years living in Lethbridge, Alberta (Canada) where my father served as the minister of a church. Therefore upon hearing such news its not just a horrible moment which needs to be processed, but its a moment that needs to be followed by immediate action. A massive travel program had to begin to get all of us children to Canada(I have two brothers & two sisters all in various locations across the US). My oldest sister, Anne, lives in Wisconsin with her husband and their three children. We managed to get them on flights along with my brother, Joel, who lives in Minnesota. My sister, Sarah, lives with her husband and their two children in Iowa so we drove up to Alberta together. My brother Jon is in the army so he technically lives wherever they send him. At that point he was oversees and almost totally unreachable, thankfully Sarah was able to use the Red Cross to get him home. As you can imagine it was quite the fiasco. For my denial it was great. Needless to say between organizing flights for half the group and driving the 18 some hours (if you go straight-through) with a 2-month-old, I was given almost a day to live in denial. After denial came the busy mode - put on a pretty face, say the right things, help Mom, deal with the overwhelmingly generous church congregation, figure out the details, etc.

It wasn't until we were done with the family visitation and we were left almost all alone in the church standing there, looking at the pulpit where I had seen my father stand only a dozen times and staring at the coffin and his empty shell did it hit me like a ton of bricks. He's gone. Not gone on a trip, not gone for a little while, but 100% totally gone. As in I will never have another vivid discussion with him. I will never again sit in church and hear his amazingly powerful voice preach a sermon. The hardest of all though is the thought that he will never see Alexa grow up.

It has been six months. Six months ago we laid his empty body in the ground. To me it feels like yesterday. I look at my quickly growing little girl and I think where has the time gone? She seems to have grown up overnight and yet September and the pain that was there seems so fresh.

How do you "move" on? By learning from the experience, right? By applying this life lesson & using it to better yourself as a person, right? That all helps but does it heal? Does it make it go away? I can't figure that out. I have indeed learned that although I can not control everything (a hard fact to swallow) the amazing part about this life is that God can. He is absolutely, totally, in control of my life and has always been.

Crazy thought right? All those stupid, immature, completely childish moments I spent in high school and college, all the mistakes I have made, He has used them all to fulfill His purpose! They, no matter how much I may regret some of them, have made me who I am today. The have all been used in one way or another to teach me "life" lessons. Its a truly amazing and humbling thought. More than anything its the biggest comfort we have. :)