Chores, Cousins & Easter

Alexa has been doing chores with Grandpa Schouten for as long as I can remember. (which I admit isn’t usually that far back) ;) She typically begs to call Grandpa and go do chores on a daily basis. Lately she’s become accustomed to wait outside for him to pick her up. Here’s a few pictures of her waiting and of her leaving with Grandpa.

Almost 2 weeks ago on Tuesday, April 12 the weather was absolutely BEAUTIFUL and was in the 70’s and sunny. One week ago, on Tuesday April 19 the weather was a different story - snowy, cold and all around yucky. I took a picture of the snowy day in hopes that it would be the last one we’d see for quite a while!

Alexa’s other favorite activities are to go to all sporting events for Aunt Jill, Aunt Jena, and Dordt. She spent the fall and winter months asking daily if she could call Grandpa and go to the game. We love that she has the opportunity to spend time with them and enjoys getting out and about without us. When there are no games to go see she begs for Grandpa to take her to the Rec Center (at Dordt) to exercise and play volleyball and basketball. He usually does his best to grant her requests! Here she is all ready to go exercise! :)

My mom left for a vacation in Canada last week and won’t be back until the first week of May. Therefore I have been watching Faith and Luke almost every day until Mom gets home. (Mom is Sarah’s typical daycare provider) I must admit its been easier than I expected although no time soon will I be attempting to have 4 children age 4 & under!

 

We let Alexa go with Aunt Kiley and Aunt Jill to the Easter Egg Hunt (after explaining to her that eggs and bunnies had absolutely NOTHING to do with our actual Easter celebration.) She came home with a bag full of candy and some free tokens for ice cream as well as a pretty painted face.

We were all actually ready to go to church on time and even a bit early on Easter morning so I thought it’d be a great time to try and take a few snapshots of the family. Logan is 6 months old and Alexa is almost 3 (only about 9 weeks away).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

More thoughts…and some brutal honesty

Recently a friend of mine lost her father. Not only did it bring back a flood of memories (he was also only in his 50’s when he passed) but I felt like my heart broke and spilled over with emotion for her loss as well as for the loss of my own father all over again. I wanted so much to offer her words of comfort and yet I found myself lacking in what to say, unsure or afraid of how to communicate what I felt for her. This is only one of several times over the last few months that this has happened.

I have struggled so much over the past 2-2 1/2 years with my emotions. I literally feel like I’ve been on a horrible roller coaster. There are good days & then there are not so good ones. The worst part is I keep telling myself I should be over the pain/emotion of it all. But there are honestly days when I hear bad news from my friends & what they are going through and my heart breaks for them and I first find myself crying over their pain & then crying yet again for my own. I have this problem of letting going of the thoughts & dreams of what should have / could have / would have been. I suppose you could say I have struggled with living in the land of if only. If only Dad could see Logan, if only he could experience Alexa’s unique personality. If only I could talk to him about this or that. If only he could see how far our church has grown. On & on it goes. By the end of my “session” (for lack of a better word) I find myself with tear stained eyes, feeling lighter and yet silly for having spent time crying almost as hard as I had when it truly sunk in that first week.

I still remember that moment - as I sat (actually standing) at the visitation in the middle of the sanctuary of Trinity URC in Lethbridge staring at the lifeless body of my father lying in a coffin. I remember thinking to myself that he should just sit up, tell me to stop crying and that it would all be alright when it finally sank in to me - this wasn’t some play, some dream (nightmare), some fake reality - this was real - this was true - he wasn’t ever going to walk through the door, pick up the phone, or speak or hug me ever again. He was gone. There was nothing in all the world (no begging, pleading, wishing, dreaming, scheming or working hard) that was ever going to change that. Even the thought & hope of Heaven wasn’t comforting, because all I wanted was my Dad as I knew him back. Not the hope/promise of being reunited with him in Heaven with all believers & seeing God face to face. Don’t get me wrong - I long for that day. But all I wanted in that moment, and from time to time when I’m selfish since then - was my Dad, exactly as he had been on this earth for all my 24 years with him, back. And all I could do was cry - sob in fact. I felt like everything inside me hit rock bottom & came pouring out - I couldn’t stop it. I don’t really remember much after that. I just remember feeling like I couldn’t breathe and that I would never be able to stop sobbing.

My point in all this rambling? Each time I hear of someone I know going through pain, loss, or hardship I ache for them. I want so much to ease their pain, to help them through it, to find some way to reach out to them & comfort or aide them as so many people did for me. Each of those people (some close friends & some mere acquaintances) who reached out to me literally rocked my world. Did they do anything big or amazing? Not really. But they touched my heart & soul so much simply by reaching out to me. Simply by being there, by offering their experiences, their words of comfort, their simple presence. They each hold a special place in my heart after that experience whether they know it or not. I want to reach out to others and surround them with the comfort I felt from those people in my life. Yet I have no idea how.

I never know the right words to say. I think all sorts of things and yet I filter them all out because I am 1) afraid of saying the wrong thing (something I’m an expert at), 2) prolonging or reopening their pain, 3)unsure of how it would be received. When I think of the pain I went through I want to communicate to those in pain that it will be okay & it will get better. I want them to know and feel that all in life is in the Lord’s plan and that NOTHING happens apart from his plan. He knows EVERY SINGLE HAIR that falls from your head. To me that is truly amazing and comforting. Yet I have no idea how to communicate that. To say it straight out seems so crass and preachy as if I’m standing on my know-it-all pedestal with all the answers and life all figured out and that is the furthest thing from the truth. To wrap it up with my point of view or story of how I learned to realize & accept it (that the Lord will truly use all things, even the worst and most pain of things, for His glory and His purposes) seems so self-centered and selfish. As if I’m asking for them to throw me a pity-party. I feel as though when I say things like that its as if people think I’m trying to put the attention on me and my loss and that is so not true.

So instead of risking saying the wrong thing I find myself saying nothing but wishing and dwelling on how I wish I could do something.

Will that feeling ever change? Will I ever find the words? I’m not sure. What I do know is to all those in my life who are hurting or have gone through painful experiences in the past - please know that I am thinking of you and praying for you often. I may not know exactly what you are going through but I do know pain & loss & I know that you are never truly alone in your suffering. The one true comfort we have can be found in the Lord. He truly is the only one who will ALWAYS be there, even in the darkest hour, when you feel completely down and alone, know that He is there and always will be - he will never leave. That’s the most comforting words I have ever known - Deut. 31:6 “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

p.s. for anyone still reading this I’m sorry for all the run-on sentences & such - just writing down my thoughts…

Recent Pictures - with a disclaimer!

Here are a few recent pictures of our family throughout the end of March and even the beginning of April.

Disclaimer - At the end of March Micah participated in Hope Haven’s annual fundraiser Dodgeball Tournament with several of his co-workers. In order to participate they had to have a team “uniform” and prizes were awarded not only to the best team but also to the most creative “uniform” and as their team was certainly not going to win the actual competition they strive each year to win the most creative uniform contest. The pictures from that contest are quite possibly not suited for small children (and I was even uneasy about having my children watch their father during the event) but I told myself its all for charity…their team name was “White Trash” so consider yourselves warned!

Both Logan & Alexa LOVE bath time! :) And below Logan is enjoying his first attempts at sitting up all by himself - he does a pretty good job of it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Alexa views brushing her teeth as something fun & she thinks she has to do it all the time ~ I suppose that there are worse problems to have!

 

WARNING…the following pictures are from the Hope Haven charity Dodgeball Tournament…view at your own discretion!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

      

 

Trip to Wisconsin

So last week Thursday I loaded up both kids and my mom and we took off for my sister Anne’s house in Sheboygan, WI. After about 8 hours of traveling with only a few stops we arrived in one piece.

Logan slept almost the whole way there and when he wasn’t sleeping he did a great job of just playing with his toys and amusing himself. Alexa loved using Grandma’s DVD player to watch Curious George and Veggie Tales movies and after some coaxing, she finally fell asleep for a short nap too!

The only unexpected moment of the trip was due to my stupidity - I apparently was in too big of a rush changing Logan’s diaper & cleaning out my bottle stuff at the gas station bathroom that I inadvertently left my wallet (which contains everything necessary to steal my identity) behind. After getting back on the road for about 20 minutes I realized I’d forgotten it, we stopped & searched the car & then had to travel on to the next exit in order to turn around and head back to the gas station. Providentially a couple of girls had found the wallet & given it to the guy behind the counter who was about to call the police before we walked in to retrieve it! Thank goodness for kind people!

We were able to enjoy Sheboygan Christian’s annual potato bake on Thursday night, Grandma went to Grandparents Day on Friday, and we all went to their fundraiser concert on Saturday night. It was a fun-filled and relaxing weekend and we all truly enjoyed spending some time together. Alexa especially loved being catered to by her older cousins!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thoughts…

Lately I’ve been thinking about how blessed we really are. I see so many things around us that seem to send me daily reminders of all we have to be thankful for. The earthquake and tsunami causing such destruction in Japan, the increasing number of friends we have who are struggling to attain what they desire most (a family), the people who are faced with saying goodbye to their loved ones, the list could go on and on. What probably strikes me the deepest is the faith of each of those people. Despite all the ups and downs, the tragedy, the lose, the difficulties that they have each faced, their faith appears so strong. It is truly amazing to see the Lord’s hand in all of our lives.

Each day as I spend most of my time at home with my kids its easy for me to get caught up in the day to day activities and lose perspective on what is really important and how truly blessed we are. It seems so easy to focus on the negative right in front of our face day to day, but instead I’ve decided to do whatever I can to try and focus on the positives.

When my toddler decides to throw a tantrum I will focus on the privilege that I have to be home with her each day.

When my 5 month old doesn’t want to be put down and only wants to be held, I will remember that there are many women out there who would love to be holding a baby of their own.

When I’m sad or disappointed or jealous of others because my father isn’t here to see my children grow up and experience new things, or to talk to me when I need a wise ear, or give me advice, I will remember the 24 amazing years I had with the most loving, compassionate, understanding and God-fearing father and realize that I’m a better person for the time I was able to have him in my life.

When I’m feeling discontented with my home, I will choose to be thankful we have a nice, safe roof over our heads to shelter us from the cold, the rain, and the wind.

When my husband doesn’t do something exactly to my specifications I will remember that I am blessed to have a husband to be my partner in this life, and that he is an amazing man who helps me in more ways than I could possibly describe.

As I watched the destruction in Japan on the news I couldn’t help be stare at the entire villages, towns, and cities that were swept out to sea. The last count I saw stated that there were over 10,000 dead and 17,000 still missing…imagine 27,000 people gone in an instant. Do you think any of them were ready to meet their maker? The last sermon my father delivered was titled “Watch Therefore” and was the story of the ten virgins. His message was clear and simple, we must always be ready and waiting for we do not know the day and hour. I can not help but wonder how many of those people were truly ready and waiting to meet their Lord and Savior on that day? Would  I have been? Will I be now?

As I look at my life I realize I have been so ungrateful for all the Lord has blessed us with for so long. Especially the last few years that I have spent so much time dwelling on the past, wishing for the way things were, and feeling almost angry that my life had been so “perfect” and that I can never have that back. I’ve always been a planner, a person who is constantly forming a new plan for her life. Yet I’ve come to realize that all our plans are futile if they are not His plan.

I am so grateful for the amazing and loving partner and friend I have in my husband. I am so blessed to have him for the rest of our lives.

We have been blessed with two amazing children, who despite their natural sinful tendencies, are all we could have ever asked for.

I can’t promise that the next time (if the Lord chooses to bless us in that way) I am pregnant I won’t find myself complaining from time to time as I’m unable to retain anything for the first 3-4 months and unable to move/sleep/etc for the last 3 months, but I can promise I will do my best to treasure every blessed day instead of dwelling on the negatives.