Bad Day...

Do you ever seem to just have a bad day? Its so frustrating when something small gets your spirits or your train of thought in a depressing or negative spot and no matter how hard you try you just can't change it. Its the kind of day that if what you felt inside was the same as the weather it would be rainy and gloomy all day.

Last week I had one of those days. It started off normal as can be & was all fine & dandy until I went to break time at work. Usually the conversations are your typical break time topics ranging anywhere from the latest TV shows to people's kids, to anything in between. Pretty much all topics are acceptable and most can be truly entertaining. If you show up at break you take what you get - no real ground for complaining - after all its your choice to be there. - (right?)

Well when I went to break that day I had no idea that the topic would effect me so much. (Nor did I have any idea what the topic would be.) That day conversations started with the latest news/updates & that quickly got the ball rolling - a woman in the community (whose husband was my high-school history teacher) had experienced a massive heart attack earlier in the week and was, from what I gathered, alive but still in the hospital receiving treatment. This "update" quickly sparked a conversation around the room on various people's experiences regarding those they'd known who had experienced heart attacks & survived them.

I sat frozen in my chair. I had totally not bargained or expected that topic on that day. I didn't know what to do. After all it has been 6, almost 7 months, since my father passed away from a sudden massive heart attack. I should be more than able to deal with this type of topic right? That's what I would have thought and what I tried to keep telling myself.

I sat there staring down into my coffee cup repeating (in my head) "you're okay - its no big deal, it is what it is, its been over 6 months you're fine, you've accepted what has happened, deal with this, be an adult & just look up & you'll be fine."

I really don't know much about the details of the rest of the break time conversation. I know I heard others speak & I know I kept sitting there. At first I had thought about just standing up & leaving but I totally did not want to draw any attention to myself & if I tried to move I figured I'd probably just trip or fall or something totally embarrassing like that. So I just sat there. I must have blinked over a thousand times a minute to keep myself together. I tried thinking about anything & everything to stop my train of thoughts but somehow I couldn't. I just sat there with my head screaming what my mouth couldn't (or what I wouldn't let it scream) "why couldn't I have a story like that to tell - - why couldn't he have survived, what makes all those other people so special that they lived through a massive heart attack but he had to die?"

Oh, you do not have to worry about me - I know the answers to my questions - It was the Lord's time for him to go - it had been set before he ever took his first breath. I know this truth, I believe this truth, and I have accepted this truth. My heart, however, still aches for one more hug, one more smile, one more conversation with my father.

You probably need to realize as you read this that my father was not just my Dad, but he was one of my best friends. There is next to nothing that he did not know about me. I was one of those crazy people who would come home from a night out with friends or from a date & I'd run to my parents room, plop down on the end of their bed, (waking them up of course) and proceed to tell them everything about my night. When they moved these conversations did not stop - they simply transitioned to long phone calls or skype conversations. Everyday on my maternity leave I would sit on my computer & have a conversation (or multiple) with my Dad on skype.

Anyway - by the grace of God I was able to choke my tears & pain down long enough to get through break, walk out of the room & make it to the bathroom before my gut, my head, and my heart exploded & I literally had a total bawl-fest. It was like the moment that first tear snuck by I had lost any chance of holding it together. After a few moments I was able to compose myself & make it back to my desk but from that point on my day was shot. I spent the rest of that day, that night, and even the next morning just sulking in my grumpy state. It really sucks when as much as I know I "make my own weather" (from "The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People") that I can control how I feel, I simply didn't feel like I could choose to let go of my sour mood.

Its days like those, the really "bad" days, that I am so thankful for my darling little girl. She's a great daughter & an amazing little girl - I couldn't have asked for a better child. She is typically not cranky but an incredibly happy little girl & best of all she sleeps 12 hours a night! :) One thing she is not, however, is a cuddly child. I can't seem to understand it considering I am a total "cuddly" person. I absolutely love hugs & cuddle time. I even find myself going into her room at night, picking her up & cuddling with her (while she stays sleeping) to get my "fix" of cuddle time with her! - - I know I'm crazy but I promise she stays sleeping the whole time and if she wakes at all its just to open her eyes, look at me, and the she goes right back to sleep - (she already knows her mom's crazy).

From now on when I have a bad day I have decided I'm just going to look at this picture and remember how great my little girl is - after all how can anyone be made when they see this face grinning up at them?

Now I'm guessing by looking at this picture you'd figured out that what she's standing by is indeed a toliet but in my defense I couldn't stop her from pulling herself up & standing by it nor could I resist taking a picture of that sweet face looking up at me! Sorry to those of you who find it "offensive" or "gross"