Recently a friend of mine lost her father. Not only did it bring back a flood of memories (he was also only in his 50’s when he passed) but I felt like my heart broke and spilled over with emotion for her loss as well as for the loss of my own father all over again. I wanted so much to offer her words of comfort and yet I found myself lacking in what to say, unsure or afraid of how to communicate what I felt for her. This is only one of several times over the last few months that this has happened.
I have struggled so much over the past 2-2 1/2 years with my emotions. I literally feel like I’ve been on a horrible roller coaster. There are good days & then there are not so good ones. The worst part is I keep telling myself I should be over the pain/emotion of it all. But there are honestly days when I hear bad news from my friends & what they are going through and my heart breaks for them and I first find myself crying over their pain & then crying yet again for my own. I have this problem of letting going of the thoughts & dreams of what should have / could have / would have been. I suppose you could say I have struggled with living in the land of if only. If only Dad could see Logan, if only he could experience Alexa’s unique personality. If only I could talk to him about this or that. If only he could see how far our church has grown. On & on it goes. By the end of my “session” (for lack of a better word) I find myself with tear stained eyes, feeling lighter and yet silly for having spent time crying almost as hard as I had when it truly sunk in that first week.
I still remember that moment - as I sat (actually standing) at the visitation in the middle of the sanctuary of Trinity URC in Lethbridge staring at the lifeless body of my father lying in a coffin. I remember thinking to myself that he should just sit up, tell me to stop crying and that it would all be alright when it finally sank in to me - this wasn’t some play, some dream (nightmare), some fake reality - this was real - this was true - he wasn’t ever going to walk through the door, pick up the phone, or speak or hug me ever again. He was gone. There was nothing in all the world (no begging, pleading, wishing, dreaming, scheming or working hard) that was ever going to change that. Even the thought & hope of Heaven wasn’t comforting, because all I wanted was my Dad as I knew him back. Not the hope/promise of being reunited with him in Heaven with all believers & seeing God face to face. Don’t get me wrong - I long for that day. But all I wanted in that moment, and from time to time when I’m selfish since then - was my Dad, exactly as he had been on this earth for all my 24 years with him, back. And all I could do was cry - sob in fact. I felt like everything inside me hit rock bottom & came pouring out - I couldn’t stop it. I don’t really remember much after that. I just remember feeling like I couldn’t breathe and that I would never be able to stop sobbing.
My point in all this rambling? Each time I hear of someone I know going through pain, loss, or hardship I ache for them. I want so much to ease their pain, to help them through it, to find some way to reach out to them & comfort or aide them as so many people did for me. Each of those people (some close friends & some mere acquaintances) who reached out to me literally rocked my world. Did they do anything big or amazing? Not really. But they touched my heart & soul so much simply by reaching out to me. Simply by being there, by offering their experiences, their words of comfort, their simple presence. They each hold a special place in my heart after that experience whether they know it or not. I want to reach out to others and surround them with the comfort I felt from those people in my life. Yet I have no idea how.
I never know the right words to say. I think all sorts of things and yet I filter them all out because I am 1) afraid of saying the wrong thing (something I’m an expert at), 2) prolonging or reopening their pain, 3)unsure of how it would be received. When I think of the pain I went through I want to communicate to those in pain that it will be okay & it will get better. I want them to know and feel that all in life is in the Lord’s plan and that NOTHING happens apart from his plan. He knows EVERY SINGLE HAIR that falls from your head. To me that is truly amazing and comforting. Yet I have no idea how to communicate that. To say it straight out seems so crass and preachy as if I’m standing on my know-it-all pedestal with all the answers and life all figured out and that is the furthest thing from the truth. To wrap it up with my point of view or story of how I learned to realize & accept it (that the Lord will truly use all things, even the worst and most pain of things, for His glory and His purposes) seems so self-centered and selfish. As if I’m asking for them to throw me a pity-party. I feel as though when I say things like that its as if people think I’m trying to put the attention on me and my loss and that is so not true.
So instead of risking saying the wrong thing I find myself saying nothing but wishing and dwelling on how I wish I could do something.
Will that feeling ever change? Will I ever find the words? I’m not sure. What I do know is to all those in my life who are hurting or have gone through painful experiences in the past - please know that I am thinking of you and praying for you often. I may not know exactly what you are going through but I do know pain & loss & I know that you are never truly alone in your suffering. The one true comfort we have can be found in the Lord. He truly is the only one who will ALWAYS be there, even in the darkest hour, when you feel completely down and alone, know that He is there and always will be - he will never leave. That’s the most comforting words I have ever known - Deut. 31:6 “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
p.s. for anyone still reading this I’m sorry for all the run-on sentences & such - just writing down my thoughts…
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