For the past few years I have been struggling. Struggling in almost every area of my life. I feel like each day I wake up & have to force myself to face the battle. Battle of the strong wills, battle of the bitterness, battle of the temptations, and mainly the battle of what could have been - what on many days seems like SHOULD have been. I want so much each day to play the stubborn toddler screaming “IT’S NOT FAIR” or “WHY ME” or things just like that… and yet I think I’ve finally come to the realization that I need to stop. I need to accept it all - and to learn to move on, something anyone who knows me knows I am HORRIBLE at. I am probably the queen of living in the past or the future but hardly ever in the present.
I typically approach situations in my life with one of 2 attitudes - 1- the its not happening, denial, if I ignore it that means its not true/not happening way (living in the past) or 2- the if I plan everything down to the littlest detail then things will go according to my plan & couldn’t possibly go any other way (living in the future). I’ve finally (I hope) begun to realize and accept what I have been saying (& pretending I’m living) for the past 3 years - its HIS plan & I have to accept that HIS will be done, NOT MINE!
When my parents moved back in 2002 I approached the situation with absolute denial. No way were they going to actually go! If I didn’t pack up my room, didn’t help them move, didn’t accept it or talk about - then there wasn’t any way things would change & that it would actually happen…right? - WRONG! It took me about 3 years into their 6 years in Canada to realize - it was God’s plan & HIS way is always right & good -- and it was the best place they could have EVER gone to - I truly believe that. The AMAZING church family they had there still blesses me & my entire family each day even today. The people we met, the friendships we made - they are priceless & were life-altering. God truly knows best. There is NO way my family could have handled or survived (if that’s what we’ve done) the sudden & in my opinion tragic death & loss of my father on that clear September day without the love, generosity, faith & community of Trinity URC in Lethbridge, AB. They are an aboslutely AMAZING group of people & they will forever be like family in my heart. I even remember standing at his visitation in the church & thinking to myself that as each person came through to console me I ought to be consoling THEM
In a way, I have blamed myself for so long for my father’s death. Not literally like I caused it or anything - but because the Lord answers every prayer - and for so long my prayer was in stubbornness that my parents would move back to Sioux County & I could once again drop by their house any day I wanted to -- well I got what I wanted - in a way - just not the way I wanted nor expected.
I feel like I finally understand part of what the Lord has been trying to teach me for so long - that I need to fully rely on HIM, God, for my every need in this life. Sure, I’ve always said I do - and I’ve tried to live like I do - but I think if I was truly honest I’d admit that I have fallen so short of that. When I had a problem, a question, or any guidance who did I run to & lean on? My father. First & foremost he was it for me - he & my mom. Every question, every decision, every life changing event, they were the ones I ran to. Every problem, fight, discussion, etc with my husband - I ran to them. Not God. Sure I would pray about it, but did I really expect God to fix or answer it? Probably not as much as I thought my parents could advise me on what to do. Was I really listening for His wisdom & His way? Not as much as I was waiting to feel led by parents.
Recently I had a person I would have & would still call my best friend think something horrible about me. They were given false impressions & were mislead due to miscommunication (vague I know) to think that I was upset with them, that I disliked them, and that I wanted them out of my life. Instead of running to God, I sat in a pile of self-pity that I could turn to my father for help & I turned to a defensive, self-preservation mode which only led to more miscommunication & gave the impression that I did these things my friend had thought instead of turning it all over to God & facing my fears. Despite repairing the relationship there are many days where its not as easy flowing as it once was & it will take work to restore that relationship or openness & trust before we’re back to normal.
I feel like for years the Lord has been trying every way possible to tell me to turn to Him first, to rely fully on Him & have complete faith & confidence in Him to control all things. I do believe that to be true and it has been the one true comfort I have felt over the last 3 years - knowing that NOTHING happens apart from His will & His purpose - NOTHING - that is an AMAZING thought & comfort. I can question, rehash, despise, and hate what happened to my father - I can hate forever that I never got to say goodbye, that other people get to survive the same experience, that others get the chance to say goodbye & accept the loss of their loved one, that my father who was truly half of my best friend, never gets to see my kids grow up, that I need to constantly explain to my almost 3 year old where Grandpa Fennema is & why…and yet I know & I accept that it truly was & is all part of God’s plan. If nothing else comes from his death it has given me the reality & knowledge that every moment is truly precious, every moment is in God’s control, and that I need to rely FULLY on God alone. I may struggle to do that each day but yet I know I need to.
Well this has all been way too much of my thoughts & ramblings so I’m going to stop this train of thought & find the video of Logan I had intended to come on here & post :)
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