Tired, Stressed, and Emotional -- a very bad combination!

So I'm going to keep this short for once -- a shock I know -- but with everything going through my mind, my heart, and my life right now I just don't think I can fully process everything in my head these days.

Work is busy busy busy as usual and I'm pretty much a basketcase rushing back and forth between sanity and insanity -- I feel like I'm giving every aspect of my life 50-75% effort & the rest I'm just in robot mode... which makes for many mistakes and even more work.

The bright side is, perhaps if I stay busy enough my mind and my heart won't realize that its already been a year without my dad, my life has continued to happen, change, and grow each and every day... part of me wants to scream & just say STOP - -go back - - I want a do-over!

To bad that we don't get that chance! -- This week at work, two of the people I directly work with gave me a wonderful and totally undeserved thank you card & gift & I couldn't even keep from crying... I wonder, when will anything or everything in life stop making me cry & miss him more?

To young to potty-train?

What age is too young to potty train? - - Seriously people? I've heard mom's out there saying that a child isn't ready and can't possibly control their body like that until their well over 2 and almost 3 years old. "There's just no way" I've emphatically been told!

BUT - on the other other side of things, I know many children who have been trained well before they're 2 years old and many who have been fully trained shortly after turning 2...and there are websites & articles out there that even talk about infant potty training (to me that's a YEAH RIGHT) but hey what do I know!?!

Before jumping in & telling me what you think, here's my personal experience (which is pretty limited considering Alexa is only 13 months old!)

Many observers of my little girl tell me that she's getting ready to be trained -- based off of what they see only. After all, she can says many words but she usually doesn't make too much sense & she certainly isn't using full sentences or anything so its not like we're hearing "I have to go potty!" from her sweet little mouth!

Instead, she's been doing this little form of a potty dance, bending over and holding the front of her diaper whenever she's going potty. As for going #2 -- lets just say she's ALWAYS been obvious about that one -- she typically stops what she's doing, scrunches her face all up & grunts as she starts to turn pink or red in the face! So a month or so ago (shortly before she turned 1) we went out & bought a potty chair so she could begin to grasp the concept & at least get used to the idea of sitting in the chair. She LOVES it -- at least she loves playing with it! She has always been one to want to follow anyone into the bathroom to see what they're up to & she thinks its so funny to listen to the noises & hear the toliet flush and now being able to sit on her own potty is tons of fun to her... so she's at least intersested in the idea!

But here's the kicker- - every now & then -- the child will take her diaper off! -- and I mean OFF. If we change her out of her clothes and don't immediately put her pj's on she'll get up & run around & play in just her diaper -- pretty normal I know -- but then she decides she's had enough of the diaper & wants it off -- so she takes it off with relative ease, throws it down & walks off free as a bird! Again, we find this cute and funny as after all, its in the privacy of our home & can't really hurt.

Then on Sunday night we're all just standing around after church talking and she's just off playing like the rest of the kids. I look over at her & notice she's playing with her tummy -- and taking her diaper OFF! -- Silly girl! So I race over & strap it back on telling her "No, No, we don't do that" trying all the while not to laugh!

I have no idea if or when my little girl will ever learn to use the potty instead of a diaper but I know this -- any outfit that doesn't come with bloomers or shorts is SO not going on my child without adult supervision nearby! Next thing you know she'll be trying to go naked everywhere!

All moved in...ALMOST! ;)

Wow, so the time has come. After months of thinking about it, talking about it, planning for it, and preparing for it the time has finally come! My mother is officially on her way back to the US! Her stuff all arrived on Tuesday & she'll be arriving tomorrow night! :)

For those of you that know me really well, you know that this has been something I have longed for, prayed for, wished for, and hoped for many many times over the last 7 years. However, it is very bitter-sweet. I found myself unable to sleep tonight & so I began to write...if this doesn't make much sense I'm sorry! ;) - In 100% honesty, I wanted this so badly I could taste it, and now it not only is something I am totally looking forward to, but something that scares me to the core.

I LOVE my mom. She is an amazing woman. All my life she has poured herself into being the best mother, wife, and preacher's wife she could ever be, and let me tell you, she topped the charts! Talk about a woman that could handle/manage 5 children, a busy church calendar, be always ready for guests & entertaining, and keep a perfectly clean and presentable house -- that's amazing to me! Memories of my childhood involve no frozen meals (no matter how much we begged because they seemed so special) but always home-cooked meals, baked goodies, and tons of games and fun. As we got older things turned from children's games to card games and stimulating conversations. I still remember coming home from college my freshman year to have "coffee" with my parents every chance I got!

Then why am I scared? Because that's the life/memories/dream I have...having that simple, safe, "perfect" feeling back again. For the past 7 years that is what I've wanted back (and my parents of course)... you know the age old saying..."be careful what you wish for"...its because how you end up getting your wish to come true may sometimes (and usually does) come at too high a cost/price! As much as I am longing for my Mom to be here...it makes me miss my Dad more and more.

After a bunch of wonderful people came and helped unload the 53 foot semi which brought my Mom's stuff here from Lethbridge, Sarah and I were left with the unreal task of organizing and unpacking it before Mom sees it and falls over - - (there is stuff EVERYWHERE, from in the house, to in the unfinished basement, to stacked and piled all over the 3-stall garage that Mom & Sarah & Jason share... which no longer fits a single car in it...

As we began unpacking over 30 years worth of stuff, memories came flooding back. Things I literally haven't seen in years have surfaced, from favorite mugs (which we now wonder why we even liked!) to egg holders to magnets and on and on. Its been great to see it all and cherish it, tell stories about it and laugh over it. However, as I lay awake tonight, I can't seem to get the memories out of my mind and instead of laughing, I find myself getting sad and then worse yet getting mad. Its awful but I keep having to resist the urge to yell and scream and throw a hissy-fit like a little child - - this was not the way my wish was supposed to come true!

All in all - I'm a grown up now (whether I like it or not) and I've accepted things are the way they are. Doesn't mean I have to like it all the time, but its life. So if you're looking for me over the next few days, weeks, well, better make that months, come to my Mom's house & weave your way through the maze of boxes...better yet - bring your wallet & make an offer if you see something you like! :)

Happy Birthday Alexa! :)

WOW! What can I say? My baby just turned 1!

I can hardly believe it...it seems like just yesterday I was in the hospital holding my tiny little girl --- now she's over 20 lbs, is above 75% for her height & her head & is walking, talking, and changing like you would not believe! :)

Here are a few pictures of our little "party" for her 1st birthday...

Joy & Sadness...how they mix!

So for the last few mornings on my drive into town I have heard numerous people read their "letters" to their fathers in light of the upcoming Father's Day holiday. Each time as I sit there trying to maintain my composure I have felt the flood of tears come pouring down. I can't help but wonder when these overwhelming emotions will finally stop...

This should be a happy time right? After all I have an adorable new nephew, I have an amazing little girl about to turn 1, summer is finally about here, and this week Sunday will be my husband's first official Father's Day. So why can't I seem to enjoy any of it? Why is it lately I'm completely cranky, irritable (okay so those of you who know me are going this isn't new but I mean more irritable than normal!) and my emotions go off the deep end at the most tiny of comments! As each new day comes & goes I find myself wanting more & more to be able to just pick up the phone a call my father, to sit down next to him & have a heart-to-heart or to go for a drive with him & listen to our favorite country music blarring at us through the speakers...I guess I just don't feel like anyone else ever understood me the way he did...no one really took the time to get to know ME, my thoughts, my fears, my likes & dislikes...not really anyway...its hard...I don't feel like I can talk to my Mom (who used to be my best friend) because I'm afraid of upsetting her or burdening her...but yet because I can't talk to her, instead of just loosing one of my two best friends I've in a sense lost them both and it sucks! I can't imagine how someone in my shoes without faith & without a relationship with Christ could possibly cope - HE is the only one who gets me through each day, his comfort & support & the love of my family - without that I'd probably be truly lost.

So after all these "letters" I've heard read the past week - I decided to write my own. Here goes nothing...

Dad,

I want to start by thanking you. Without the amazing influence you & mom had on my life I would not be as spiritually sound as I am today. Your lives set a shining example for what I can only hope my own life will be. Growing up I never doubted for one single moment that you & Mom loved each other wholly & completely, with that everlasting kind of love. Not only did you express it daily, but your actions, words, and looks shouted it from the mountain tops. Nor did I ever doubt your love & devotion to our Lord & Savior. For this I am eternally grateful!

-- You taught me to be discerning, to know right from wrong, to not just absorb everything I heard but to strive to understand it & determine how Biblical it is/was. You taught me to study and ponder His word, to engulf my life in it. You taught me to realize that our God is an Almighty, Sovereign, and Just God who is to be honored and revered. You taught me approach the throne of the almighty with reverence and awe. You taught me that God is not only graceful & merciful but powerful & almighty, that he will punish those who forsake Him. I can't express enough how grateful I am to have been raised in such a home. I will always treasure & miss our theological discussions, and of course, having a handy "spiritual reference guide" on speed dial! I love that you taught us to be honest, to be kind, to be merciful, to be patient, to be loving and to be trustworthy.

The fact that you taught us that life won't always go our way, that we won't always get whatever we want, that sometimes in life you need to bite your tongue and turn the other cheek, these are all valuable life lessons that I no longer take for granted. I look around me & I see a culture & generation saying how life can be however you want it, its a "have it your way" kind of world - - I am grateful that I know life isn't that way. Sometimes things people say & do will hurt us, upset us, or we will take offense to it, but that is life & its up to us to decide how it affects us, how we will react to it. Thank you for teaching me discipline. I am grateful that you taught us to have strong work ethics, to realize that we ultimately deserve nothing in this life and that it is by the grace of God we have anything at all.

I want to thank you for your unconditional love. From countless broken bones to sick days to sporting events and school plays, piano concerts, talent competitions you were always there. Holding my hand and supporting me no matter what. I was truly blessed to have a Father like you -- you truly were the shining example for me of my heavenly Father & now I rest assured that you are with Him in glory.

To my amazing & wonderful Father, never will there be another man quite like you upon this earth - - All my love, now & forever!

How time flies...

Wow, its hard to believe but 1 year ago I was lying on my couch (on my left side) stuck on bedrest! -- Now I have a little girl who is WALKING (well, she just started taking steps without holding on to anything on Saturday) and a brand new nephew who is absolutely adorable! My sister Sarah welcomed Luke Evan into the world on Wednesday June 10th & he is a heartbreaker already! All I can say is I'm thankful this year it was her & not me laying in that hospital bed! :)

Toys - Why bother? :)

What is the point of children's toys? Really? Can anyone tell me please?
We've been given a few adorable toys for Alexa - they're pretty fun, cute, and entertaining, at least for the first few times they're played with. However, I don't see any point in them. She'll crawl up to them, play with them for a short bit, as long as someone else is there with her, and then she moves on to the next one. We have even gone to a few houses where our daughter is thrilled & entertained by those leap frog & playschool learning toys - the kind pictured below that light up, make noise & she can stand up by...

So what do we do? We go and purchase the same kind of toy from a garage sale for Alexa (all our other toys have either been given to us or their from the happy meals or out of cereal boxes) so she can have hours of fun at home without needing us to play with her, right? - - WRONG - - she will stand by it as long as we're in the room but the moment we leave, she comes crawling out after us, and plays with the first non-toy object she finds. She loves to go over to the tupperware drawer, have us open it, and play with the stuff in it for hours - and she doesn't care if we're around or not! This child is truly crazy! - - I am 100% convinced that there is honestly no point in buying any toys for a child under the age of 1, maybe even 2 - - because she is thrilled to play with anything BUT actual toys!

For example - the child will try endlessly to get the tv remote in her hands or get our cell phones away from us but give her a fake toy cell phone or even an old non-working real cell phone - - it'll keep her entertained for maybe a minute! All she wants is the real stuff!

Well, there you have it, my idea of a lesson to be learned - save your money! ;) There's not much real point in spending it on toys at least!